heartache2innerpeace

2002-12-13T11:48:00.000-08:00

alright im gonna start by this:
jamie: im touched that hearing my voice makes you feel better. if it means anything to you, talking to you is the easiest way for me to calm down when i freak out. lol. as much as i love leaving my warm house at nights to walk you way over there... :p lol. im glad to hear im not ugly or hyper though id describe myself as hyper occasionallly...
my family has there defects too. need i tell you about my little sister... perhaps you know her, laura... AKA bitchy scumbsucking skank. uh... yeah. then theres ryan who, like jamie's sister katch doesnt know when to shut up. threaten to hit him he mocks you. but actually hit him he runs to mom. bah! my step father hates me more than one would imagine possible to hate someone. i mean he even stopped pretending to like me for moms sake. we just avoid each other these days. my mother is moodier than me, but since i moved out has lost all will to fight. it really sucks! i had zac and t-jay in my room and she tells me to bring them down stairs so terry (stepfather) wouldnt get mad. BLAH! people are strange... i dont really have defective grand parents... no wait... my moms father is a child molester, and my fathers parents are wierd... like they forget all about us unless we call them near x-mas. bummer. well i got stuff to do soon so i gotta go. will write more later :) even if its after partying!!!

*limps painfully away* damned t-jay... (we were wrestling...)

2002-12-13T11:29:00.000-08:00

sorry i havent been on in a while. ive been partying HARD. fun stuff that!!!

2002-12-10T16:17:00.000-08:00

i was rather bored earlier so i decided to write a blog entry... here it goes:

As i sit here at my dentist's office i cant help running last nights major conflict through my poor head. i guess one could say that it was a conflict to end all other conflicts. T-jay once again began razing me about my sister and i was quickly getting vbery agitated and upset. finally he realized that teasing me even jokingly over the phone isnt even close to being like teasding in person. in person he can butter me up afterward and be forgiven. over the phone my only option was to listen or hang up. he asked me to considerwhy exactly it bothers me SOOOO much for him to talk about my sister. well here it is world... the reason i get upset about the guy im banging being attracted to my sister:

i dont want to be compared to her and come up lacking anything. the 2 of us are SO different that i believe it would be near impossible to be friends with us both. IE/EG: anyone who could enjoy sitting around with me or partying couldnt possibly enjoy the company of the type of person my less than dear sister happens to be. i really believe its impossible. as in cant be done.

well my tongue is still sore and my throat hurts. FUCK! i was supposed to go see nessa and meet brian yesterday. can you guess who forgot??? lets quote jamie in saying "FUCKERS!!!!!" heeheehhee. i was on the net chatting with teej last night till like 5:30 am then he turned in and i finished my first official blog *applauds*

My poor jamie. he deserves to find a girl/boyfriend, or at least someone new to bang regularly. mind you i still say id prolly not like whomever he could choose but still. yeah. thats terrible isnt it... ah well. i wonder what jamie thinks of my bouncing in and out of guys pants like i do... i guess ill find out eventually. i know kim doesnt like it... lol. what a nut. she actually told me off one night cause im banging t-jay but had a crush on smalls. key word HAD. i havent been to school in sop long im not sure if its still an issue... lol. oh !!!!!! do i EVER want in jasons pants. the more the stupid double standards arguement comes up the more i wanna... lol. wierd, eh?

haha. that IS a superb double standard... heres my MOST recent take on things:
i really want in jasons pants. t-jay finds it strange that i have the urge to freak whenever he mensions laura.
the difference:
it wouldnt really bother t-jay if i banged jason where as it would bother me more than anything if he banged laura. he says he has no real interest in banging her or even being friends with her.
my question:
then why is it such a big FUCKING deal!???!!!!?!?

*runs away grumbling*
*slowly walks back*

he thinks that i have a big grudge against her because of sibling rivalry i admit that naturally there is a bit but there always is in a household like ours. we can kiss ass and make up like the best of them. i just happen to be really good at pretending...

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here

*And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here

I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears* (meatloaf '2 out of 3 aint bad')

totally me last night!

jamie: im not quite sure what ya mean by alot of people need to read my horrible experience with my sister and the guy im banging.... lol...
my PEOPLE name list:
me: numb
stat: follower
laura: bitchy scumbsucking skank
jamie: confused
bagel: posing
darren: too nice...

oops i described them. blah...

*hitting button*

2002-12-10T01:37:00.000-08:00

*stand up sit down baby
gonna be a formal dressdown hey day
we decide why not go downtown
how about you and me we go get wasted* (tegan and sara- the first)

i originally intended this 'blog' to be opened with my describing my weekend. oh i'm so mad i could honestly almost cry... ah well. lol. heres whats up... and i guess it would be good for me to try to work through this. ill start at the beginning... well kinda... hey! i can tell about my weekend too :D k well... hm... lets start with a short synopsis of my characters. theres poor lil ol me, guy im banging steady... we'll call him T., my SISTER... Laura , T's brother Zac , and the party peeps (bagel, mcclain, darren). well... T and i decided to bring our close younger sibling out partying with us. they are about the same age and stuff... the 4 of us get together and Laura and Zac dont hit it off. she was being bland. like Zac would try to make conversation with her and she'd totally be answering in monosyllables. zac eventually gave up and decided to have fun. well... at some point while we were outside t ended up walking beside her, you know trying to get her talking or some nice guy shit... (in case you couldnt tell, no: i dont like nice guys... you know what they say- nice guys finish fast... or was it last... hmmm). well, inevitably i jumped in a huge puddle and had to stop and shake the water out of my shoe. zac was the only one who stopped and waited for me so we ended up walking together for a bit of time while we caught up with the others. during that time zac asked me if it bothered me that t was walking so close with my sister and not me... i didnt think anything of it so i said no... and asked if it bothered him. he said it didnt and we discussed how lacking in even general personality my stupid sister is. well. we went to chris and gregs to pick up mcclain who will be called chris from now on (its his name... yeah... 2 chris's) then we went to t's to party. he and laura got in first and sat on the couch... close. well... zac's comment started playing around in my head so i went and sat on the floor at chris's feet. we all got stoned... t and laura (getting closer ALL the time) shared one pipe. all night long the 2 of them just got closer and closer till she was practically on his LAP! i got more and more pissed till finally chris asked me if i wanted to go for a walk to vent some. at that point i was about to just stand up and YELL "youre not banging my sister, man!!!!" so i got up and went with chris. he and i went to his place and banged 2 times... AKA until we ran out of condoms... one thing about chris: not only is he bigger than t, hes a FUCKING good lay!!!! well. i went to jamies the next morning. (yeah i did leave my conniving bitch of a sister at t's where i knew she would be ignored by bag and darren). well. i called t later and got him to meet me. talked to him about it and he said that she was all over him not the other way around. he was just being friendly... HA! i forgive him anyway. hes a good lay with a fucking SEXY older brother. t and i finally agreed to disagree about me bottleing my emotions... but thats a story for tommorrow...
jamie: YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!! but i only wish t really was hurt that i banged chris cause then at least id know where HE stands.... does that make me a bad person???
kim: i find it kinda ofensive that you dont think me a friend and consider me a bottem of the barrel, never to make anything of myself, pothead type...

jamie: you are STILL right.
gotta go to bed before terry catches me up...

love everyone but t who made me very horne... erm... hyper before going offline...
one last thought: I WANNA BANG JASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*it's a top ten list of things that move me the most
it's a top ten list of things that bother me the most
a top ten list of things that scare me the most
i'd have to say that the future* (tegan and sara- the first)

*we wear the mask that grins and lie
it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes
this debt we pay to human guile
with torn and bleeding hearts we smile* (dunbar)

2002-12-09T18:33:00.000-08:00

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